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Englishippy



Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Posts: 95
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Location: Birmingham

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:19 am    Post subject: One liners Reply with quote

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Just watched a film about Beavers. I gotta say best dam film I have ever seen.

Heard trampoline prices are on the way down. Although I'm expecting them to bounce straight back up.

Insomnia. Sometimes I just stay awake all night just thinking about it

Just had a shave using a Bic. Didn't even cut myself, I am covered in ink though

My wife left me yesterday. She said I never take responsibility for my mistakes...... I just don't see what that has to do with me.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean 1 person enjoys it?

I was kicked out of the local swimming pool for unacceptable behaviour towards other swimmers. Apparently the breast stroke isn't quite what I thought it was.

What's twenty feet long and smells like piss? A crowd of old people line dancing.

I met a Dutchman today with a sat-nav built into his shoes. Bloody clever cloggs

So a goal is about the same size as a parking space, I'm thinking that it was no surprise whatsoever that the English womens team were going to struggle when they get to penalties

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them

So I've just finished writing a book that tackles feminism head on, except I can't decide whether to call it "You've missed a spot" or "All in a days work".



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Sinski_Andrew



Joined: 03 Aug 2012
Posts: 61
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would post a reply, 5001 letters long, but it'd be out of character.

I would tell you a racist joke, but racism is a crime. crime is for black people.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

we taught my girlfriends little brother that me and her in bed together is "tidying the bedroom"... he told her mother that she has a really tidy bedroom :L


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Englishippy



Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Posts: 95
Karma: +2

Location: Birmingham

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I said to my friend: "Can you make me a puppeteer?"
He said: "I'll see if I can pull a few strings"

We had a family meeting today to try and decide what we should do with mother.
She just stands there all day looking through the window.

The wife wanted to let her in, but I was having none of it.



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Scootin
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Joined: 09 Oct 2006
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Location: St. Johns MI USA

PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icon_icon_goodone



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Englishippy



Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Posts: 95
Karma: +2

Location: Birmingham

PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Graduation Speech:

I'd like to thank the following; the Internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word and Copy & Paste.



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JDi



Joined: 08 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sometimes pornography is frowned upon, but only when I'm concentrating.

You know what's giving kids a bad name these days? The Beckhams.

I watched a programme about ship building last night. Rivetting.

I'd advise anyone to think long and hard before taking Viagra.



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